Archive for the 'Chronic's Perspective' Category

The Next Level For Chronic

Posted by Chronic on January 13th, 2008

It’s A New Year. This early in the game 2008 seems like an unexplored playground begging for its first scraped knee. (I’m so poetic!!!1one)

This year marks my first year of actually trying to actually make it as an entrepreneur. I’m pouring 100% of my time and energy into popfreeradio.com and I’ve never been happier. After years of screwing around I finally feel like I’ve found a project I can pour myself into.

I was recognized this year by The Pitch as The Best Of Kansas City 2007: Best Online Radio Personality. It was seriously the single most-unexpected honor I’ve ever received.

2008 may not bring critical acclaim, but it feels like we’re on track for BIG things. The popfreeradio.com crew is incredible. I’ve managed to assemble an amazing group of people to help develop this project since the very beginning and it gets better and better every day. Thanks to their hard-work and your insight the site has grown from a dormant dot-com in september of 2007 to one of the biggest alternative radio stations anywhere on the internet.

I have every intention of geting back in the habit of updating this site every day… I’m just a lazy pothead… Please keep sending questions and I’ll be sure to answer them. If you’re looking for advice between 3:20 and 7:00pm central, you can ask-a-pothead on-air by calling 816-355-2315. (your call may be aired on popfreeradio.com)

What?!?!?! A New post?!?!??!

Posted by Chronic on June 17th, 2007

It’s been a minute since I posted here, but I thought I should at least say something here…

It’s been nearly a year since I updated this site… I’ve been busy. I launched popfreeradio.com on 10/31/06, and have been completely absorbed in this project ever since. So far the station has streamed to almost a quarter of a million people, and we’re starting to get some local recognition. The station was mentioned 3 times in the Pitch in the past few months along with some of the better-known blogs in town including Tony’s Kansas City and we’ve been invited to do remote broadcasts around town including a weekly broadcast from El Torreon every Friday night. We pulled off our first show on May 12th: Cloud Cult, Shudder and Tripp Algiers at Davey’s Uptown. We’re planning a second show for September. This one willgo all day long, be 100% local, and feature at least 10 bands. We recently acquired a station van and office space which we’ll be moving into in the next 60-ish days. I finally purchased some professional broadcasting software and have started programming our 26,000 songs into it. (At this point the stuff in the heaviest rotation should play around once every 7 hours… stuff in the lowest rotation will play once every 51 days.)

That does it for station updates… here’s something completely unrelated: I was 36 inches and 30 seconds from beating the shit out of an old man last night. I was coming home from my parents house (I work today, so we did the father’s day stuff for my dad yesterday) and as I drove westbound on 83rd street I was followed by a silver BMW. The speed-limit is 30mph on this street, and I was doin’ around 34-ish. The dude in this beamer was evidently in a HUGE hurry though… on my bumper honking and flipping me the bird. So naturally I slow down… if 34 is too slow, I’m sure 20’s gonna be fun… at 20, the honking picks up… so I drop down to about 15. This pisses him off more and the honking and hand-gestures pick up even more… As I crossed metcalf, dude held the horn… a solid 15-20 second hoooooooooooooooooonk. at this point I say fuck it. I come to a cpomplete and total stop in the middle of the street and put the vehicle in park. Beamer-guy has whipped a right turn into the mr Gyros parking lot, but there’s no one behind me so I jump back in the van and back up so I can pull into the parking lot behind him and block his car in his parking space. “What the fuck is your problem? What’s the hurry? Is there a medical emergency? Does your car have a short that makes your horn honk randomly?”

Dude gets out of his car at this point and I started actually laughing at him. (I couldn’t help it) He stands 5′5″-ish and has around a 40-inch waist and thick-black-rimmed glasses.. He starts telling me I don’t know how to drive and that obviously I have no life and that I should have my lights on… I yelled at him for 3-4 minutes and each time I tried to get within 3 feet of him, he ducked behind the glass door to Mr Gyros. (not that I really would have hit him, but I was gettin’-off on watching him flinch and the smell/taste of fear coming from him).
br> Anyway, a couple random diners at the restaurant see all this going down and come outside to try to calm things down (and I was starting to calm down at this point anyway…I’d yelled for 3-4 minutes, and knew without having to throw a punch that this man was terrified) and just kind of got between us and started talking and blah blah blah it all ended… I made a comment about getting his license plate number, and told him to feel free to note my license plate number…. he thought that had something to do with calling the cops or something and didn’t really catch the message I was trying to convey… but anyway that license plate number is Missouri: 113 NZZ or maybe 133 NZZ. It’s a 2002?-2003? beamer coup… If you see this jackass on the road, have some fun with him!

Psychic Predictions

Posted by Chronic on August 23rd, 2006

I make predictions every day, but today I’m going to lay out a series of ridiculous “prophecies” just for the sake of doing so. Some will seem relatively logical predictions, and others will seem incredibly far-fetched. Discuss them at the new askapothead.com forums!

-Rudy Giuliani will be the next president of the US. (I’m not voting for him.)

-The instituions of Christianity and Islam will both essentially collapse. (Since people still feel “a need to believe” a new religion that’s a hybrid of ancient mythology, eovolution and alien-interaction will become the dominant religion of the western world in the next 50-100 years. *maybe a spin-off of scientology, but not the current church of scientology*)

-By the year 2050 everyone will grow most of their own vegetables at home. (people will abandon big city life almost all together instead favoring a suburban model. Big cities will become basically corporate-controlled, corporate-owned dormitories, factories and offices for mega-business)

-2/3 of the earth’s population will die in the next 100 years. (mostly in asia)

-Bottled water will cost $3 a gallon by 2015.

-Ashton Kutcher will die choking on something while laughing at one of his own jokes.

-Stationary bikes and tread-mills will power homes of the future.

-Nothing globally significant will happen on december 21, 2012.

-South Park will become the longest running show in television history. (with the exceptions of those shows that just replace hosts every 30 years.)

-In the post WWIII world, Brazil (which will occupy all of south america) and the US are the two super-powers with Brazil actually being the stronger of the two.

-Eminem will become a politician (his “ghetto accent” will suddenly disappear)

-Barack Obama will be the first black man elected president in 2016 or 2020. (He’ll be assassinated by wack-job KKK-types)

-The current pope will get caught gambling and drinking and fornicating.

OK that was fun.

Do I buy into my own crazy theories? Not really.

Will I explain how I came to these conclusions? If you ask and I remember the train of thought.

The other night I was listening to the radio and heard that one of my favorite people in the whole world, Suzi McDumbitch of 96.5 the buzz, was going to be doing a remote from Downtown Overland Park’s newest bar, Revolver, and I figured I’d stop by during the remote to hang out for a while… This was one of the worst mistakes I’ve made in my bar-hopping life.

Some of the many reasons this place sucks donkey balls are the following:

They lock the front door of this bar at 9:00pm, and make everyone walk around to the rear of the bar to enter.

There is a $2 cover.

A single captain and coke was $6.50.

The wait-staff was slow, It took 14 minutes from the time I ordered my drink for my drink to arrive.

The music was ridiculously loud… and worse, it was all shitty old rock that shouldn’t be played anymore. (Except fro Billy Idol, that was OK)

Over the half hour I could tolerate the atmosphere of the place I heard the worst playlist imaginable, including “Dude looks like a lady,” “You shook me all night long,” and I think some Whiteshanke and Def Lepard… This trash was played so loudly that it was absolutely impossible to hear what was being said across one’s table.

If your idea of a good time is reading lips while listening to Sammy Hagar and paying literally twice the going rate for a drink that will take a quarter of an hour to arrive, then go check revolver out. Otherwise go around the corner to Maloneys.

“Is It good for the children?”

Posted by Chronic on July 22nd, 2006

When I take over the world, I really will find a way to eliminate anyone with an IQ under 110.

Robots are capable of any task done by someone with an IQ lower than that. we don’t need these people. They just clog up our roads, breathe our air, and pollute our gene pool. (I should probably be more concerned about the genepool and the air, but it’s the roads that bug me most.)

I will make a point of finding a means of administering this test that is in no way culturally biased so that just as many stupid white people die as their stupid counterparts of other skin-tones, and that a similar percentage of smart people of all ethnicities survive (except for swiss people, they must all die).

Since we’ve stopped natural selection and replaced it with a new notion of “the geographically superior” survive, (meaning if you happen to live in a western country with strong military alliances, regardless of how poor your genes, you survive and so do your progeny simply because of geography) we’re essentially encourging an endless supply of Baby-Ruths in the gene pool.

Our modern western all important question of “Is it good for the children?” is a step in the right direction, but it’s too short term, think not of the children but of the future of the species. The idea of “is it good for the children?” isn’t really about the children anyway, it’s about the adults in their lives and their own selfish motivations:

“Is it good for the child to have a parent in prison? No, your honor, it’s not, and that’s why you must acquit!”

“Is it good for a child to not grow up with grandparents? No, that’s why we need to work to end a ll diseases.”

“Is it good for a child to die prematurely of a disease? No, it’s important (s)he be given the chance to grow up and have children.”

You see, the logic provides an excuse for selfish motivations of a few generations, and doesn’t look to the actual future beyond the generations that they’ve physically met. It’s in fact detrimental to the future of the species in terms of the gene pool as strong genes don’t fix and replace weaker ones, the weaker ones only dilute the strong pool.

I’m open to other suggestions if people don’t want to breed for intelligence. I’d be just as open to breeding for strength, or beauty, or artistic ability, or any number of things as long as we’re going to take things in a direction and stir this stagnate water…

“Is swimming in sewage good for the children?”

So Patriotic it’ll make ya’ puke

Posted by Chronic on July 5th, 2006

What’s up kids?

I know it’s been a solid minute since I last posted something. Sorry about that, I’ve been busy plotting world domination (and as you know that’s an involved process).

Fear not though, I’m back and I have a rant for you! It’s fittingly patriotic too!

I’m completely done allowing the religious right to pretend that their opinions represent American values. I’m calling bullshit right now. Bullshit!

Henceforth when I see a makeshift patriot (thank you, Sage Francis) waving his flag, I’m taking it from him. Do you know what that flag stands for? It stands for Liberty AND Justice for ALL… Note the capital AND… it’s “and” not “either/or”… Note the ALL, it’s “all” not “the domestically bred white heterosexuals”…

“AND”

While my laundry list of complaints about the current political state of the country would go on for pages, I’ll simply address the above issues that seem to be growing increasingly important in the recent past. The PATRIOT Act forces us to trade in liberty for justice… and in our quest for justice, how many injustices can be justified? How many liberties must we give up before that injustice becomes great enough for us to seek justice?… AND if we were to sacrifice one, why would it be liberty over justice? This seems counter-intuitive… As I understood it, our cry wasn’t “Give me justice or give me death.”… But I’m not a god-fearing republican, so I may be “spinning” my historical facts. Anyway, I’m done with it. I no longer hold justice as dear as liberty, and will gladly allow a lax in justice in exchange for a return to liberty.

“ALL”

Justice for all: Unless of course, you’re a rich white guy, in which case, we’re not so concerned about justice as long as “You learned your lesson.” Our nation’s prisons can’t seem to hold enough minorities though… It’s almost as if the nation’s prisons are a series of camps created specifically for the purpose of the concentration of our great, white, christian society’s undesirables. We’re certainly not concerned about liberty or justice for all… Liberty for some… Justice for others… Liberty for the elite, justice for the rest!

I call “Bullshit!” on the whole thing. I’m not playing along anymore. I represent the real America, the one that’s based on freedom, liberty and equality. Your America that’s based on hate, fear, and war isn’t one of which I wish to be a part, and not the one which our nation’s founders created. You stole it, and I’m taking it back! I’m starting with the flag. When you see Old Glory waving in the breeze, don’t think of tyrany and oppression that the current regime represents, think of pothead values that Chronic represents. Think of freedom, liberty AND justice for ALL.

A Nation Full of Criminals: Dance Puppet, Dance!

Posted by Chronic on June 11th, 2006

A recent study among american high school students found that roughly 43% drank alcohol in the past month and roughly 20% smoked the ganja in the past 30 days.It also stated that over 20% smoked cigarettes, and an alarming 18.5% of students admitted to having carried a weapon like a knife or gun in the past 4 weeks. While I’m sure there is some overlap among these groups participating in assorted illegal activities, I think it’s a safe statement to say that over half of American teenagers are in fact criminals… I think the number is waaaaayyy higher than 50%, but that’s what we get from the statistics available to us.

We take for granted that all of our elected or appointed officials are criminals. We all constantly assert on television and in magazines and newspapers that big business owners and officials are criminals … Our on-screen heroes are Scarface, Tony Soprano and Darth Vader… While some people will argue that people are shaped by the media, I think the opposite is true and that the media is only a mirror on society. Accordingly, our fascination with criminal behavior in entertainment is rooted in our real understanding of the criminal element in society… And since we’re all criminals, it’s not hard to see.

How large of a segment of soeciety must be deemed criminal before the laws are adjusted to reflect our values? If 50% of all high schoolers are criminals, that’s roughly 8 million criminals there. Then we consider that roughly 20% of america’s adult population has smoked pot, there’s another roughly 15 million… Add in DUIs and there are another 10-15 million (stats are iffy on this because of “diversion laws”)… Then you’ve got your prescription drug abusers at what, 5 million or so? … this puts us somewhere in the range of 38-43 million criminals in the US… Then of course you have to account for actual violent offenders… they make up another 14 million people, so we’re at 52-57million criminals living here… But then we have to consider that there are what, 12 million illegals immigrants living here? so we’re now at 64-69 million criminals in the US.

While I’d love to stop at 69 because it’s a great number and all, I’ve gotta keep going. How many million people have illegally downloaded music? Let’s go further than that, how many people snuck into R rated movies as children? Do you only cross the street at a crosswalk? Ever tossed a wrapper out your car window? Left your trash on the subway, the el, or the bus?

Our entire society is composed of criminals, but we’re all so afraid of being recognized for what we are that we continue to allow the ruling class to drive wedges between us separating us into the pill-popping, drunk-drivers versus the pot-smoking slackers. It’s obvious both groups are unhappy with the current situation, but we’re too busy dancing for the puppeteer to do anything about it.

“I smoke pot to make you seem more interesting.”

Posted by Chronic on June 7th, 2006

Based on the myspace messages and e-mails I get, people seem to want to “get to know me”… and I’m eager to indulge, so here are some of the questions people have asked and my responses:

Question: Why are you so grouchy?

Answer: Because people are so stupid.

Question: Why do you smoke so much pot?

Answer: I smoke pot because it makes all of you seem more interesting, entertaining and intelligent.

Question: What kinds of long-term goals do you have?

Answer: World Domination

Question: If you could be any animal what would it be?

Answer: I’m content as a hedgehog. We’re spikey and we sleep half the year.

Question: Do you have any pets?

Answer: Not currently. My old roommate (who digs ponds in rich folks yards for a living) brought home some baby moles he’d dug up one day after accidentally killing their mother with a trenching machine. He bought a bunch of nightcrawlers at a bait shop and was feeding the 3 moles about 3 worms a day each…. after a few days there were only 2 moles… after another day there was one mole… after 2 more days there were no moles. (if you ever decide to try to keep moles as pets, they need to eat 3 times their body weight every day… just a heads up.

Question: Who do you think will be the next president of the US?

Answer: Truthfully? I’m not sure we’ll ever have another president. I really wouldn’t be surprised to find out that Karl Rove is Darth Sidious and he has the US reorganized into the First American Federation.

Question: Do you really know the guy who was charged with intentionally spreading HIV in Lawrence Kansas?

Answer: He used to post on The Church Of Lazlo Forums. I hung out with the guy once at “On The Border” in Leawood. He seemed like a pretty cool guy when I met him… I’m kind of surprised by the whole thing.

I’ll be happy to answer more questions if you (re)send them, but that’s all I’ve got for now.

Where in The World Are Our Priorities?

Posted by Chronic on May 21st, 2006

In these trying times in the post 911 world national security has taken a place in the forefront of the American collective consciousness. We’re throwing billions of dollars into our efforts to track down terrorists and identifying any threats they might pose to our great nation. While the pursuit of middle-eastern, muslim terrorists is important, it seems that in our endevor to isolate these people, we’ve forgotten about some key figures of yesteryear who are still on the loose today.

I’m asking the tough questions here, folks!

Where’s Waldo?

As I recall in the 1990s, we had every man, woman and child in this country searching high and low for this man. In spite of our best efforts, this man has eluded authorities for over a decade. Indiana State Police were the last to be tipped off by a carnival-goer in Michigan City who spotted Waldo allegedly beating two elderly women with a cane just outside the ring-toss booth.

Since we can’t catch Waldo, it’s no wonder the government has tried to downplay their efforts to track him down… They’re also actively working to make the American public forget about another key question the man had 15 years ago: Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

They never found this bitch either!

Given these two tremendous failures on the part of the intelligence and law-enforcement communities, it’s no wonder these new, modern terrorists remain at large. People, I think it’s time to take a serious look at the people who are in charge of tracking and capturing these fugatives and consider whether or not they’re the best people for the job… I say we nominate a schwag smoker!

Way to go Dubaya!

Posted by Chronic on May 15th, 2006

Dubaya stumbled, stuttered and stammered his way through another public address tonight. I fucking hate this douchebag, but his policies are fucking brilliant… By structuring this plan as he has, he’s taken all of the heat off the employers who illegally hire and underpay immigrant laborers and placed the heat squarely on the laborers themselves. In keeping the “guest worker” program, he has set up a means for big business to continue to exploit the illegal worker through underpayment and at the same time given big business the excuse for keeping wages down for the legal workers. The Bush regime has created yet another policy to help the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.

Way to go go dubaya!

This plan will serve to increase racial tensions and divide the poor so as to help the rich maintain their wealth and authority… and it’s all masked as “security”.

In his speech, Dubaya said he would ask congress for even more money to fund this new border security program and increase our debt to even higher record levels. Where does he think this money comes from? If he has already given the biggest companies tax breaks, it must be coming from the little guys… and the little guys are going to be paid less and less because now instead of giving other people the same wages as citizens, in our effort to screw them over, we’ve fucked ourselves into lowering our own wages to compete with them!

Way to go Dubaya!

He’s planning on using national guard troops for border security, the war in afghanistan, the war in Iraq, and to cover shit in the event of another major natural disaster… Guardsmen don’t grow on trees… and this new policy sure as shit isn’t going to bring in more volunteers at a time when the federal goverment is more unpopular than ever before.

Way to go Dubaya!

It really seems this ass-clown is actually trying to start a civil war here… Mark my words, an innocent American will end up being shot by national guardsmen in the coming weeks…. and there will be riots! Remember Chronic called it when all this shit breaks out! Remember I told you about it months ago.

How to get even with your teacher

Posted by Chronic on May 10th, 2006

I was reading through the news today and came across an article about a mom mom who was arrested for helping her kid make laxative-filled cookies for a teacher she didn’t like… While I applaud the idea of getting even with people, there are better ways to go about it, and giving someone the runs for a day isn’t even close to the damage a teacher can inflict on a student over the course of a school year… This mother-daughter duo were under-achievers. Over-achievers would have come up with something better.

***Disclaimer: askapothead.com does not condone or support any of the following activities. they are expressed in jest as possible alternatives to laxative-filled cookies and are not to be taken seriously or attempted by anyone.

-Take the ‘06 sticker off her license plate. (this will mean she gets fucked with at some point in the future and it can’t be tied back to you.)

-Place an erotic singles ad in the local paper and list the teacher’s number

-Balogna her car. (it leaves perfect circles of missing paint)

-List her house as an open-house in the local real-estate directory or parade of homes tour (say tours start at 6:00am saturday)

-Order pornographic magazines addressed to said teacher at the school’s address

-Send her a singing telegram explaining how to prevent vaginal odor… schedule it to arrive during class.

-Look up her mother’s phone number, call and give her details of a fictional relationship her home-wrecking daughter is ruining. (be sure to emphasise the pretend children whose parents are now getting divorced thanks to this slut)

-Use bleach to write words in her lawn

-Every day before class plant a douche product or yeast-infection cream on the teacher’s desk… call attention to it as soon as class starts.

-randomly call cabs to her house.

-Call the local Mormon Church (or whatever wackjob religion you wanna pick) and order a copy of the book of mormon to her house… ask if they can send some representatives over to discuss the faith.

The possibilities are endless… Laxative-filled cookies are for the unimaginative.