Sexism and oppression based on gender. It’s been an ongoing battle that crazy feminazis everywhere pick up as a hobby because they’ve run out of knitting ideas. Some out there think that women should hold the right to vote…others are smarter and know better. But is there validity to the idea of a female wanting to be treated as an equal to a man? Albeit laughable on initial contemplation, I did decide to do some deeper digging into this passing fancy of ‘women’s rights’.
Now, I’ll set things straight right off by telling you I am a firm believer in the well placed Christian ideals of my four fathers. Primarily, because if mom believed the same…I’d likely not have four fathers and one instead like all non-heathen little boys. It’s because of this past that I have seen the light. The concept that all morally sound, intelligent individuals are awakened to. Simply that females were meant to breed, bake and blow. Cleaning occasionally wouldn’t hurt either. I mean…seriously. All they do is stay home all day and watch soaps anyhow. It’s not like there’s a whole lot on their agenda that needs to be taken care of between meal times. Lately I’ve noticed that all these little ladies with far too much spare time have started developing ‘ideas’. Some crazy scheme to make the same pay as a man. To be treated the same as a strong, hardworking male. There are enough that I decided to break the manly flow and delve into it.
Is it possible this whole time I’ve been wrong? Could I have not seen the level of equality that truly does exist between male and female? Have I been thinking wrong to suspect that those with boobs and a vagina were given such cool toys for just that purpose? Nah. But I’ll entertain the thought regardless.
For the sake of argument, we’ll make believe that women have the same mental capacity as men. We’d have to in order to figure out why they’d get such cock-a-maimee notions. So, with that in mind. Say the female folk are ‘right’. Say they really are ‘equal’. If this is true, then how could so much history be falsified or misconstrued to state otherwise? I mean, c’mon people. Are we REALLY gonna blame it on the catholic church? Haven’t those poor folk been the target of enough accusations? Really now.
What about the governments? Did they have something to do with this heinous scheme to ‘hold the woman down’? I’d say that’s completely doubtful. They’re far too busy worrying about our well being and desperately trying to keep us safe to bother with such a trivial matter as females.
So who then do we go to in order to place such blame? Remember, we ARE attempting to think like females. That means we’ve got to point fingers for everything. And since we’ve eliminated religion and politics from being fowl players in this fantastical conspiracy, there’s really only one logical choice left.
That’s right. Breakfast cereals. I stand firm in my discovery that IF in fact women are somehow bizarrely equal to men, then it’s the most definitely the breakfast cereals we have to blame for this humoring fact being lost over the CENTURIES of documented history. Some would ask how such a deduction would arise. I say to them ‘mind your own damn business. This is MY word processor. I’ll write whatever the hell I goddamn feel like writing….’ Then I’d grumble the words ‘whiney ass little bitches’. Then probably smoke a cigarette and read some good old pornography.
Anyhow, back to the issue at hand. Kellogg, General Mills…hell, even Little Debbie. All of these delicious, sugary, snacky breakfast like goodness sources have managed to influence the minds and mental well being of humanity over decades of gender biased advertising.
Let’s take a look at what I’m referring to, shall we?
Who do we have for ‘mascots’ as far as that crucial part of our daily balanced breakfast goes? We have Tony the Tiger, Smacks the Frog, Toucan Sam, Lucky the Leprechaun and let’s not forget Count Chocula. Do we see the similarity going on here? Yep. That’s right. They’re all men. But the question is, are they all sexist pigs? I went into the field to find out for sure.
Many think that it was simply a ‘way of the times’ to have males as mascots. It’s evident that men make the only really good role models, so why not promote them on cereal boxes? I found a much darker side to this concept.
When asked about his ideas about being a ‘role-model’, Toney the Tiger had only this to comment: “Fuck those little bastards. They’re GGGRRRRREEEEAAAAT when they shut the hell up and do what they’re told. Other than that? I could care less.”
I was shocked and appalled. This loveable killer of the jungle had been a childhood icon of mine. And now. To hear such filth spew from his jowls. It compelled me to find out more.
I tracked Lucky down at a local pub where I found him slamming Guinness after Guinness and playing grab ass with all the women servers. I confronted him on his actions and his thoughts on if women were unfairly oppressed due to him and his sugar coated brethren. “Aye. I could care less what them bitchy lasses think. They’re always after me lucky charms anywho. You’d think the bloody bitches would git up and find themselves a respectable job. But nah. They’re a wee bit too busy primping and gossiping for such responsibilities. Now…if you’ll excuse me…..MISS!!! Aye! Yes you!!! Get those sweet little potato sacks over here…you think you can find me pot ‘o’ gold???” Nearly in tears from my breaking aspirations that these false mentors had bestowed me, I continued vigilantly on my quest to find truth and quite possibly end up verifying that child bearers did in fact deserve the right to vote…
Many months later, I arrived at the manor of Count Choc of Yoola. Known in his Hollywood days as ‘Chocula’. I was greeted kindly by his door maid and was allowed to believe that this kindness in association to this dream shattering story may bring hope and some way to hold on to a part of my childhood. But alas, it was but momentary. Upon entering his private chambers, my eyes grew wide in dismay. There lay Chocula….completely adorn in ‘bling’. With ‘hoes’ all over him. I screamed as a child walking in on his parents and finding out there was no Easter Bunny at the same time would. “Git yo ass outta here foo!!!! Deez MY bitches yo!!! Now let’s get back to da skee skee skee and kill us a crackuh!” was the reply given by my broken idol.
It was all true. Women really HAD been oppressed. And here I thought ‘bare foot and pregnant in the kitchen’ was just a common sense ideal. It turned out to be gender biased slandery. A broken man, I had to find some rectification. Some for of validation for those poor little women that had been ruled by the overbearing hand of breakfast cereals. The female side. There WAS a female side. I left immediately to find the one gurly sassy enough to have made her way in a world of pig headed man-toons oh so long ago. Aunt Jemima.
Weeks of asking around and finding connections led me to the ‘Naughty Nipples’ strip club in the south Bronx. Was this where I was to find the most confident of female combatants to the male role models? I nervously entered. Then quickly left. That was just nasty. You don’t even want to hear about it. Think…seriously think. She was pretty damn OLD back then. Let’s just say age does NOT bring beauty in some cases.
It was no use. I couldn’t make righteous this time in a dark and looming past. I couldn’t confront Mrs. Crocker. Her husband had put her into a coma for messing up a batch of cookies LONG ago. There was no hope.
I was forced to make the conclusion I never thought I would need to.
Women…..DO deserve to vote.
The Italian Writer for ‘Askapothead’…..a broken…broken…equal to females….person…..
Written by The Italian Writer
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