Archive for July, 2006

Jesus was Black!

Posted by Ask A Pothead on July 26th, 2006

Here post this email as a rant! I’m drunk and I don’t give a fuck! Jesus was black; get the fuck over it and concentrate on what the brotha did; not what he was! Fuck! Next, women suck! Sorry, I know it’s sexist! But that’s because I bat for the penis in this lifetime! Next time, I might have a vagina and bat for the pussy! But right now, I bat for the man team. That’s right! That’s what we’ll fucking call it! We’ll call it…THE MAN WITH PENIS TEAM!! That’s what I bat for, and right now, I’m fucking Mcguire bitches!! I smash records fucker! Kiss my ass! Ya’ll suck! You theivin’, schemin’ fuckers! I hope you get crotch fleas on your clit and they burrow inside the hood and lay eggs!

BOOYAH!

Next, this line of government is the latest line of dumbfucks to be in office! We haven’t had a decent present in 40 years! At least, nobody worth a shit! The last one was Johnson, and we were happy to run his ass out of office because of Vietnam! Fuck what the man did for for Civil Rights! Where the fuck are our leaders at!!!!???? Bush?? Clinton?? REAGAN!!!!??Carter!!! I don’t fucking think so!! We have no leaders!! Black, white, mauve, or green we are fucking leaderless! God this makes me want to eat a suicide cookie! Someone lace a cookie with choc. chips with arsenic so I don’t have to watch the next 50 years!! This is fucking bullshit!!!

BOOYAH!!

Eat my shit assholes! No matter what kind of social circles you have or what kind IQ you THINK you have because of a test! I own you! I own you like people owned my ancestors menstral licker! Iown you! I’m smarter! I’m more creative! What I don’t know, I’m willing to admit and then look up just so I can find a way to beat you! Your worthless you mcdonald’s bigmac fucking pieces of shit! Go hump Wal-mart’s legs and fucking die!! When we go to hell, I’ll see you there and 2pac, Biggie, Jim Morisson, and Marvin Gaye are going to blow blunt smoke of the chronic at your ass with. Then we’ll stomp on your nuts with while we smoke a harmonic version of The Beatles “Come Together!” That’s right bitches! I’m a black Charles Manson, cut out your liver no questions askin’, scheme maskin’, drastic action enpowered by bitch smackin’, righteous motherfucker! The power of my lineage makes me a survivor, your a court jester to my throne fucker!

Booya!

I need a fucking cigarette! I know their bad for you but fuck that you worthless sons of bitches! I want to damn smoke! I want to smoke in public! I want to breathe lucky strikes in babies faces! I want to rip them from their mother’s breats when their smoking, put my lips on the tit, and blow carcinogens!!! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA! mmmmmmmm. TAR! eat shit and die!!!!

Dream Therapy bitches! Emailing you from my drunken mind. Agree or Die! see you on the otherside when my liver gives out!!!

Alexandre (Ale-Shaun-Dre)

The Jesus Christ of Space Funk and Leader of The Revolution!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Make me President!!!!!!!!!! Assholes!

Written by Alexandre

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The happenin’ new bar for blue-collar skullets and the single JOCO moms who slum it with them

Posted by Chronic on July 25th, 2006

The other night I was listening to the radio and heard that one of my favorite people in the whole world, Suzi McDumbitch of 96.5 the buzz, was going to be doing a remote from Downtown Overland Park’s newest bar, Revolver, and I figured I’d stop by during the remote to hang out for a while… This was one of the worst mistakes I’ve made in my bar-hopping life.

Some of the many reasons this place sucks donkey balls are the following:

They lock the front door of this bar at 9:00pm, and make everyone walk around to the rear of the bar to enter.

There is a $2 cover.

A single captain and coke was $6.50.

The wait-staff was slow, It took 14 minutes from the time I ordered my drink for my drink to arrive.

The music was ridiculously loud… and worse, it was all shitty old rock that shouldn’t be played anymore. (Except fro Billy Idol, that was OK)

Over the half hour I could tolerate the atmosphere of the place I heard the worst playlist imaginable, including “Dude looks like a lady,” “You shook me all night long,” and I think some Whiteshanke and Def Lepard… This trash was played so loudly that it was absolutely impossible to hear what was being said across one’s table.

If your idea of a good time is reading lips while listening to Sammy Hagar and paying literally twice the going rate for a drink that will take a quarter of an hour to arrive, then go check revolver out. Otherwise go around the corner to Maloneys.

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“Is It good for the children?”

Posted by Chronic on July 22nd, 2006

When I take over the world, I really will find a way to eliminate anyone with an IQ under 110.

Robots are capable of any task done by someone with an IQ lower than that. we don’t need these people. They just clog up our roads, breathe our air, and pollute our gene pool. (I should probably be more concerned about the genepool and the air, but it’s the roads that bug me most.)

I will make a point of finding a means of administering this test that is in no way culturally biased so that just as many stupid white people die as their stupid counterparts of other skin-tones, and that a similar percentage of smart people of all ethnicities survive (except for swiss people, they must all die).

Since we’ve stopped natural selection and replaced it with a new notion of “the geographically superior” survive, (meaning if you happen to live in a western country with strong military alliances, regardless of how poor your genes, you survive and so do your progeny simply because of geography) we’re essentially encourging an endless supply of Baby-Ruths in the gene pool.

Our modern western all important question of “Is it good for the children?” is a step in the right direction, but it’s too short term, think not of the children but of the future of the species. The idea of “is it good for the children?” isn’t really about the children anyway, it’s about the adults in their lives and their own selfish motivations:

“Is it good for the child to have a parent in prison? No, your honor, it’s not, and that’s why you must acquit!”

“Is it good for a child to not grow up with grandparents? No, that’s why we need to work to end a ll diseases.”

“Is it good for a child to die prematurely of a disease? No, it’s important (s)he be given the chance to grow up and have children.”

You see, the logic provides an excuse for selfish motivations of a few generations, and doesn’t look to the actual future beyond the generations that they’ve physically met. It’s in fact detrimental to the future of the species in terms of the gene pool as strong genes don’t fix and replace weaker ones, the weaker ones only dilute the strong pool.

I’m open to other suggestions if people don’t want to breed for intelligence. I’d be just as open to breeding for strength, or beauty, or artistic ability, or any number of things as long as we’re going to take things in a direction and stir this stagnate water…

“Is swimming in sewage good for the children?”

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Freestyle

Posted by Ask A Pothead on July 14th, 2006

Written Freestyle #7

If I spit the facts to you,
will you even give a damn?
Will it make a fucking difference
to that idiot Uncle Sam?
Will you be able to dream in color
after they decide to rape your spirit?
Do you fear it; Can you clear it;
or have they already taken your
heart to the inquisition to spear it?
After you hear my spirit,
are you still going to be a snob?
Don’t call me an Uncle Tom
because I regard you as Grandma Bob!
You think that your elitist
because your looks and clothes
are the cleanest;
but you can’t see the meat of my intelligence
is the phatest yours the leanest!
I’m tired of this game of whose got all the money
and the tightest honeys;
the republican’s egos are placebos
that’s why they think their day is sunny;
but that bullshit comin’ out ya’
is too watery and runny.
It’s comin’ out ya’ ass so fast I through it
so funny.

Alexandre (Ale-Shaun Dre)
The Jesus Christ of Space Funk
and Leader of The Revolution

Written by Alexandre

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Applications for a Muse

Posted by Ask A Pothead on July 10th, 2006

My mental window is having a hard time being clean; when I spit freely in front of people the words flow from my mouth like sperm from a man’s balls. When I touch my keys and try to ejaculate my thoughts on the screen, I become mentally impotent. Unfortunately, they don’t make Viagra for my mind my friend. Some would say weed would be the inspiration but instead that just makes me want to play video games and eat Cupcakes; the chocolate kind, with little cream filling. My mental window is covered with sludge; it’s as dirty as Joe Pesci’s mouth. No matter how much I try to clean it I can’t see my way to write something. I’ve stared blankly at this stupid screen for three hours trying to write because I know if I don’t then Chronic will cut off my lyrical balls; and I don’t know how many black people you know, but are balls are important to us. How else are we supposed to get women pregnant and leave them? You can’t do that with a pussy. I guess that’s the benefit of being a lesbian; you never have to worry about if your lover is missing her period that having anything to do with you. I wish I had the words to express that polkadot blanket that is my soul; it has so many colors but I wouldn’t know…the window is too dirty.

The Mental window is your third eye. The one the Buddhists use to have tantric sex with your mind. That window is where we first saw a cross on our lawn, and a man nailed through it looking like he got fucked up worse than Bobby Brown fucks up Whitney. My mental window sees nothing; knows nothing; maybe is nothing. Supposedly, the wise man knows that he knows nothing. Am I a wise man or just empty headed? I can’t tell. The window is dirty.

Ideas usually spring forth from me; my muse seems to have left me. Maybe she went to Amsterdam, leaving me behind to deal with a slowly sobering situation: I am shit without her. I hope she comes back, and cleans my fucking window. If she doesn’t come back, will any of you clean my window? Just be random, have nice tits, and a great ass. Giving a quality backrub would also earn you a raise. Monetarily, and also from my pants. A writer needs a muse like Jesus needed the cross, like Moses needed the commandments, like David needed a slingshot.

C.S. Lewis is rolling in his grave right now. Mark Twain is laughing his fucking ass off though.

Ha Ha fuckers.

My window is dirty. I need a muse. Leave applications at www.myspace.com/negro4lifeent

Inspire me to hail your name to the heavens. Goodnight.

Alexandre (Ale-Shaun-Dre)

The Jesus Christ of Space Funk

and Leader of the Revolution

Written by Alexandre

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So Patriotic it’ll make ya’ puke

Posted by Chronic on July 5th, 2006

What’s up kids?

I know it’s been a solid minute since I last posted something. Sorry about that, I’ve been busy plotting world domination (and as you know that’s an involved process).

Fear not though, I’m back and I have a rant for you! It’s fittingly patriotic too!

I’m completely done allowing the religious right to pretend that their opinions represent American values. I’m calling bullshit right now. Bullshit!

Henceforth when I see a makeshift patriot (thank you, Sage Francis) waving his flag, I’m taking it from him. Do you know what that flag stands for? It stands for Liberty AND Justice for ALL… Note the capital AND… it’s “and” not “either/or”… Note the ALL, it’s “all” not “the domestically bred white heterosexuals”…

“AND”

While my laundry list of complaints about the current political state of the country would go on for pages, I’ll simply address the above issues that seem to be growing increasingly important in the recent past. The PATRIOT Act forces us to trade in liberty for justice… and in our quest for justice, how many injustices can be justified? How many liberties must we give up before that injustice becomes great enough for us to seek justice?… AND if we were to sacrifice one, why would it be liberty over justice? This seems counter-intuitive… As I understood it, our cry wasn’t “Give me justice or give me death.”… But I’m not a god-fearing republican, so I may be “spinning” my historical facts. Anyway, I’m done with it. I no longer hold justice as dear as liberty, and will gladly allow a lax in justice in exchange for a return to liberty.

“ALL”

Justice for all: Unless of course, you’re a rich white guy, in which case, we’re not so concerned about justice as long as “You learned your lesson.” Our nation’s prisons can’t seem to hold enough minorities though… It’s almost as if the nation’s prisons are a series of camps created specifically for the purpose of the concentration of our great, white, christian society’s undesirables. We’re certainly not concerned about liberty or justice for all… Liberty for some… Justice for others… Liberty for the elite, justice for the rest!

I call “Bullshit!” on the whole thing. I’m not playing along anymore. I represent the real America, the one that’s based on freedom, liberty and equality. Your America that’s based on hate, fear, and war isn’t one of which I wish to be a part, and not the one which our nation’s founders created. You stole it, and I’m taking it back! I’m starting with the flag. When you see Old Glory waving in the breeze, don’t think of tyrany and oppression that the current regime represents, think of pothead values that Chronic represents. Think of freedom, liberty AND justice for ALL.

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