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Funny that I got the 4:00-5:00 spot… Does something stoner-oriented happen between 4:00 and 5:00?
Anyway, (I’ve always wanted to say this) you should come join me as I broadcast LIVE from Fuel at 119th and Metcalf With the cast of Slimfast’s After School Special. Dollar burgers, cheap appetizers and super-hot waitresses… Come say “high” to your favorite internet stoner and pick up some free buzz schwag.
We take for granted that all of our elected or appointed officials are criminals. We all constantly assert on television and in magazines and newspapers that big business owners and officials are criminals … Our on-screen heroes are Scarface, Tony Soprano and Darth Vader… While some people will argue that people are shaped by the media, I think the opposite is true and that the media is only a mirror on society. Accordingly, our fascination with criminal behavior in entertainment is rooted in our real understanding of the criminal element in society… And since we’re all criminals, it’s not hard to see.
How large of a segment of soeciety must be deemed criminal before the laws are adjusted to reflect our values? If 50% of all high schoolers are criminals, that’s roughly 8 million criminals there. Then we consider that roughly 20% of america’s adult population has smoked pot, there’s another roughly 15 million… Add in DUIs and there are another 10-15 million (stats are iffy on this because of “diversion laws”)… Then you’ve got your prescription drug abusers at what, 5 million or so? … this puts us somewhere in the range of 38-43 million criminals in the US… Then of course you have to account for actual violent offenders… they make up another 14 million people, so we’re at 52-57million criminals living here… But then we have to consider that there are what, 12 million illegals immigrants living here? so we’re now at 64-69 million criminals in the US.
While I’d love to stop at 69 because it’s a great number and all, I’ve gotta keep going. How many million people have illegally downloaded music? Let’s go further than that, how many people snuck into R rated movies as children? Do you only cross the street at a crosswalk? Ever tossed a wrapper out your car window? Left your trash on the subway, the el, or the bus?
Our entire society is composed of criminals, but we’re all so afraid of being recognized for what we are that we continue to allow the ruling class to drive wedges between us separating us into the pill-popping, drunk-drivers versus the pot-smoking slackers. It’s obvious both groups are unhappy with the current situation, but we’re too busy dancing for the puppeteer to do anything about it.
When Lazlo arrived in town as the evening guy four years ago, he took the job of a buddy of mine. Since I’m a good loyal friend, I picked on Lazlo as much as is possible via internet and phone for the first few weeks of his evening show.
It was a few weeks into that night show that some angry christian woman called to yell at Lazlo about his “overuse” of the phrase “god damn it”. This was the day that I went from disliking the new guy to respecting the new guy who would yell at callers and not back down.
This promted me to give the new guy a shot… and he did me right, introducing me to new music I’d have never heard. He did more for radio and music in this town than anyone I can think of. From disliking the new guy to being down with him, to joining his forum, to running it, I feel as if I’ve been on a journey with this guy… and I’m sad to see it end.
Over the years Laz and I became friends, and while I’ll miss the DJ who spins the random tracks, and I’ll miss the asshole who tells the world exactly what he thinks… really I’m gonna miss my friend.
Good luck in Seattle, Laz.
Question: Why are you so grouchy?
Answer: Because people are so stupid.
Question: Why do you smoke so much pot?
Answer: I smoke pot because it makes all of you seem more interesting, entertaining and intelligent.
Question: What kinds of long-term goals do you have?
Answer: World Domination
Question: If you could be any animal what would it be?
Answer: I’m content as a hedgehog. We’re spikey and we sleep half the year.
Question: Do you have any pets?
Answer: Not currently. My old roommate (who digs ponds in rich folks yards for a living) brought home some baby moles he’d dug up one day after accidentally killing their mother with a trenching machine. He bought a bunch of nightcrawlers at a bait shop and was feeding the 3 moles about 3 worms a day each…. after a few days there were only 2 moles… after another day there was one mole… after 2 more days there were no moles. (if you ever decide to try to keep moles as pets, they need to eat 3 times their body weight every day… just a heads up.
Question: Who do you think will be the next president of the US?
Answer: Truthfully? I’m not sure we’ll ever have another president. I really wouldn’t be surprised to find out that Karl Rove is Darth Sidious and he has the US reorganized into the First American Federation.
Question: Do you really know the guy who was charged with intentionally spreading HIV in Lawrence Kansas?
Answer: He used to post on The Church Of Lazlo Forums. I hung out with the guy once at “On The Border” in Leawood. He seemed like a pretty cool guy when I met him… I’m kind of surprised by the whole thing.
I’ll be happy to answer more questions if you (re)send them, but that’s all I’ve got for now.
Okay, you “deep thinkers” out there, pay attention. You’re fucking retarded.
I don’t need to hear some shit like, “In the face of adversity, I persevere because I must. It’s inner strength, a born trait, and only the strong –” blah, blah, motherfucking blah. Melodramatic presentation of bullshit philosphy — which is, by the way, rehashed seven ways from Sunday (a saying that NEVER made sense) — makes my anus bleed.
Understand something: I’m not attacking people who truly are deep thinkers, only those melodramatic, quote’s-a-plenty, balls-in-a-basket fucktards who are know-it-alls with a bit of knowledge, and a slightly enhanced vocabulary. And might I add, these types tend to use the words they know incorrectly, leading me to all kinds of giggles.
The reason I’m bitching about it is because of late, I’ve had to endure this shit on a consistent basis. I don’t think that I’m a beacon of pholosophical musings, but God damn it, I’m no slouch in the brains department, and I know wise when I hear it. However, I’ve been on the listening end of a wiseASS who’s wind is longer than an elephants dick.
All of you know the type, too. I know you do. They’re the ones who give the unsolicited (and ultimately useless) advice, in that condescending tone with that shit-eating grin, while you’re sitting there with your mouth slightly open, drooling. You’re not wowed into silence by their insight; rather, you’re a few points lower on the ol’ intelligence quotient for having listened to their nonsensical droning. Not only that, but your self-esteem is in the shitter because THESE are your peers. Guilt by association, after all.
Here’s a little pep-talk for the rest of us: Let the shit roll, and don’t listen. Or listen, for a laugh.
It’s those who revel in silence who tend to have the most to say.
Written by Fuzzball
Past: Defied the Third dimension. Stomped a mudhole in the Fourth.
Present: Entered the Fifth. A place of utter comedic chaos. Dreams are born here. Nightmares are tortured also. The place smells vaguely of burnt sulphur and sugar; “A Dream Deferred” by Langston Hughes cologne for men. This is where Jesus came from. Buddha pasts through on a regular basis. The deity, the creator, Master and Commander, brought forth the very notion of an idea– From this place. Feel it’s energy; it wraps around you like a warm black velvet glove around your body and then with one grasp of the neck it makes you it’s slave. See how it conquers you, makes you give in to it’s very desire as you thrust into the electrical outlet of pure thought. Rocket charged orgasmic neurons flood your brain at the speed of a Evil Knievel enema! This is where the artist was born my friends. This is where you make your mark. Very few people hit this level in their lifetimes. Jim Morrison did. So has Willy Nelson. Outkast was berthed in this dimension. Pink Floyd structured it. The closest way to describe these surroundings is to picture it looking like a Bugs Bunny or Warner Brothers cartoons. There are episodes where the characters disappear into books or paintings and the world is topsy turvy; or maybe like Wacky World in Tiny Toon Adventures. There’s a floating animated Dhali painting, lights and colors flash everywhere, and a hand is walking along the ground. No body. Just a walking hand; like Thing from The Addams Family.
Is this where we get our essence from? Did we receive our ideas from this place? I used to believe that there really were no ideas. Any ideas that we formed as new were really the ghosts of our predecessors whispering in our ear. “Hybrid Cars…Professional Wrestling…Dude, Where’s my Car?…Spider-Man…Johnny Depp…Martin Scorsese movies….Nickalodeon…Cellphones…Commerative Plates…infomercials…The Crucible…These beings were the Guardian Angels of Art and if we were lucky and put forth their ideas, than when we died we be able to join the pantheon and whisper in the ears of of our successors. Now I think they come from this place–or maybe it’s both. The very idea of that, came from this place; and therefore, it is true. Since I have cast this idea into the ether and have proclaimed this piece as my Art it is true. After all, it came from the Fifth, and who’s to say someone wasn’t speaking through me now? CAN YOU DENY IT!!!! No. You can’t. Never deny the power of influence. Influence can make you wet enough to touch yourself by sheer command or raise a fist in mutiny to take down tyranny. Revolution fucked “The Man,” for the first time–Here. The Man put down The Revolution six months later. They have had a never ending battle ever since Time was a zygote. Yesirree. Constant cycle of fucking shit up and getting fucked up; don’t get truer than that. In no way shape or form is this the last dimension; there isn’t a last dimension. You only go up or down. The levels never end. Not even Death is the last level, you transcend that. Through Art, Influence, Experience, Conquest, Passion, we transcend Death, because you are a part of life. This place, is an expression of that.
Future: Be a while until I can get through the Fifth and on to the Sixth. I hear it’s a racial parody of the “Wizard of Oz” but with winged Klansmen instead of monkies. I want to take pictures. Send them to the folks back home. If you need me, I hear there’s a Toxic Avenger marathon at the nearby theater. Might sit in front of the TV for an eight hour marathon of All-You-Can-Mayonnaise. Make sure to come through some time. Keep me company.
Alexandre
The Jesus Christ of Space Funk
and Leader of The Revolution
Written by Alexandre
What happens you decide to go one Sabbatical not the religious type just a break from the pot. First of all you become more lazy and apathetic than usual. I’m a lazy and apathetical person to begin with, I sit here all day long trying to pick fights on the internet, it’s similar to the Special Olympics. It’s kind of retarded and everyone’s a winner, with the major difference of nobody gets a medal.
They should hand out medals to everyone for everything, they give you chips in A.A. You’ve been sober now for a week here’s a chip. What if A.A. chips were a publicly traded form of currency. I think we would have a lot less alcoholics, or more recovering ones at that. Every time someone says something profound we should give them a medal, and they should get two if they never graduated high school. Here’s a medal for being you, everyone should feel special for at least one day. So today you are special here’s your medal.
What happens when we throw cookies into the mix? Complete and total anarchy that’s what, so we would have to give out cookies no one likes, like those one’s that are similar to fruit cake but not quite. I don’t really understand everyone’s beef with fruit cake. It’s not that bad, I think people give fruit cake a bad reputation because it doesn’t ever go bad, if it could retain it’s moisture like Twinkies I believe it would be a nationally traded commodity. If we could develop a fruit cake that would retain it’s moisture, we could send one to every country that’s pissed off at us right now with a letter that says, “Sorry that was our bad, here have a fruit cake and a medal. Today China, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Most of the continent of Africa, Korea, Russia, and even you France, you are special today.”
See this is what happens when I go on Sabbatical I believe all our nations problems can be solved with nice letters, a fruit cake, and a medal. The other option is to rise up as a nation over throw King George II and send all of those countries a letter saying, “Yeah we know, that guy was kind of a dick, sorry our bad, here have a fruit cake and a medal, today we are all special.”
So no more Sabbatical and stop following me you damn government agents. Because Today We are All Special.
Written by Handsome Rob, AKA Tokey The Bear
The Red Bull Flugtag visited Tempe today. “FLUGTAG!” Was the good word here all day! I was in attendance for the event at Tempe Town Lake, and I must say it was great! I had a lot of fun watching drunk ppl dance and jump off a big ass ramp thingy! It was awesome! All I could bring myself to say all day was FLUGTAG! As loud as I could, and be cheered on by fellow Fluggers as I dubbed them. Of course alcohol was in abundance and there was even some Marley and peace pipe passing involved! All and all it was a great experience and I hope it comes back soon so I can enter! The mighty flying cannabis will rule all!
FLUGTAG RULES! WOOOOOOO!
Written by Cannabis John
“alright heres the deal, my boy john’s mom found out that he has been smoking up in his room and now she is accusing me of getting him into it because I’m 2-3 years older than he is, my question is what should I do because I am really fuckin confused on what to do here, help me out chronic”
Answer:
Educate John’s parents. (You’ll need to do some research online.) Explain to them that the overwhelming majority of the kids in your school drink, but that after researching the effects of marijuana and those of alcohol that you’ve made the responsible decision in choosing pot over booze. Show statistics on drunk drivers and stoned drivers. (a 1992 NHTSA study concluded that drivers under the influence of marijuana were SAFER THAN SOBER DRIVERS.)
Show her evidence of marijuana promoting neurogenesis. Show its cancer-fighting properties… Show her why she’s retarded for not knowing anything about that which she condemns.
If you try to deny responsibility, you seem suspect. Be honest, be open, and explain your behavior. If she has questions, do research with her. Show her all of the information. Knowledge is your friend and hers.
The only reason a dollar is worth a dollar is because someone else believes it is. There is no gold, no silver, no diamonds, no cocaine… nothing at all is used to guarantee the value of a dollar.
If the rest of the world decided not to accept dollars as payment tomorrow, what would people in the US do? How would we purchase our much needed, cutting-edge, Asian-made techno-toys? How would all of Citibank’s and AOL’s employees in India get paid?
THroughout history the working class have been slaves to the ruling class’s wealth, but in America we’re slaves to fake wealth. The rich don’t have anything more than the rest of us. All they have is paper… This will come in handy for starting fires, but it’s not worth anything unless a potential buyer believes it is.
Our entire economy is built on lies and monopoly money. What will we spend when this fantasy economy crashes?
The Da Vinci Code staring Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou is a movie based on a book, as many of you probably know. And the church really didnt want you to see it because they think you are stupid. So I went to see it. The movie touches on the Illuminati and Tom Hanks has to figure out puzzles while getting chased by the cops who are being mislead by of course the hands of god on earth. All and all I have to say the book is much better, but maybe only because I read it first a while back, since while watching I was just kinda like thats weird I dont remember that being like that. Nonetheless a good movie. I give this one an 8 out of 10
Written by Cannabis John
I’m asking the tough questions here, folks!
Where’s Waldo?
As I recall in the 1990s, we had every man, woman and child in this country searching high and low for this man. In spite of our best efforts, this man has eluded authorities for over a decade. Indiana State Police were the last to be tipped off by a carnival-goer in Michigan City who spotted Waldo allegedly beating two elderly women with a cane just outside the ring-toss booth.
Since we can’t catch Waldo, it’s no wonder the government has tried to downplay their efforts to track him down… They’re also actively working to make the American public forget about another key question the man had 15 years ago: Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
They never found this bitch either!
Given these two tremendous failures on the part of the intelligence and law-enforcement communities, it’s no wonder these new, modern terrorists remain at large. People, I think it’s time to take a serious look at the people who are in charge of tracking and capturing these fugatives and consider whether or not they’re the best people for the job… I say we nominate a schwag smoker!
True Story…….
So, I’m at my job at this photography studio in the mall. My boss walks up to me and tells me that the home office has decided that all the employees HAVE to do this telemarketing thing to bring in past customers and we have to go out into the mall and pretty much solicit people to come in and try our “service”. I am given a list of numbers to call and given a set amount of people I HAVE to bring in. I personally HATE to call people I don’t know and HATE even more going up to people and attempting to sell something to them that they don’t want or need. But, it’s a requirement of the job and to keep this job I have to do this.
First, I try the calling. Should be easy, right? Just call up people and tell them that they should come back in and try our current special. HA! The first number I called was disconnected. So, I tried the second. An answering machine. We are supposed to leave a message so I try to, but end up stumbling over my words. Here’s how it went: “Hi, my name is Miko and I’m calling from ___________. I noticed you haven’t been in for a while………okay, actually a year, and wanted to let you know that we have a Mother’s Day, wait, no, a Father’s Day package we thought you might like. Please give me a call back to schedule a time when you can……when you want…..an appointment. Again, my name is…………um………what? This doesn’t make any sense(my coworker decided to hand me a note at that precise time). Call me back at _____________ if you want this. Um…….uh….bye.” So that one was a complete disaster, I ended up sounding like a complete moron on an answering machine of someone I didn’t know. So, we go to the third call. It rings for a while and I am starting to freak out that these people might not have an answering machine and it doesn’t tell me on my list what I am supposed to do when that happens or how long I let it ring for. So I am starting to freak myself out and am getting really nervous. The answering machine finally picks up. I am so nervous by this point that I slam the receiver down, not realizing my boss is standing there. She tells me to call them back and leave a message. With my boss standing there I dial the number and wait for the answering machine again. It picks up. “Hi, that was me that just called……and of course you don’t know who I am……I’m Miko……..and I am calling about….wait, no, I’m calling from ___________ to let you know that we have a new deal, not deal, special that you might enjoy. So if you could just call me back, that would be great.” And I hang up the phone. Not realizing that I didn’t include a phone number or anything. My boss sighs and walks away. My third call was a no answer, so I felt a bit lucky. After that I gave up. I was too nervous and the more I did it the worse I got.
So I try the soliciting or “searching” as we call it. I grab our little coupons and walk to the front of the store……nervous. Now, when I am nervous I seem to have a lack of control over my voice, so when I see someone that looks like a good canidate, what do I do? I start yelling, “HI! HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY? I WANTED TO OFFER YOU THIS COUPON TO GET A FREE PORTRAIT DONE! YOU DON’T NEED TO PAY ANYTHING, JUST COME IN, SIT DOWN, LET US TAKE YOUR PICTURE AND TRY OUR SERVICE OUT! DOES THIS SOUND LIKE A GOOD IDEA?!?” Unfortunately it didn’t seem like a good idea to this woman and her baby. The baby started to cry and the woman looked terrified and hurried off in another direction. So I think to myself, well maybe if I just continue to yell out what we offer I can get some customers and not look like a complete jackass for screaming at that woman and her child. Not the best idea I’ve had. I start yelling out, ” FREE PORTRAIT! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIT! NO CHARGE FOR ANYTHING! I TAKE YOUR PICTURE! COME IN AND TRY US! YOU PAY NOTHING!” Needless to say, people that WERE walking towards me all switched direction quickly and I suddenly had absolutely no one around me. I turned around to tell my boss it wasn’t working and saw her hurriedly walking towards me. She told me to come inside in a hushed voice and I noticed all the people inside were staring at me. I was then informed that that is not the way to invite people in for a free portrait. I supposedly am supposed to approach people in a quiet and sweet voice. Ask them how they are doing and nicely ask them inside for a free sitting and portrait. I, unfortunately, cannot do that when I am nervous and have an extreme fear of talking to people I don’t know. Luckily I didn’t get fired and my boss is second guessing the making everyone go out and do this stuff idea. I hope she decides I shouldn’t, otherwise there will be a lot of terrified people in this mall from now on.
Written by Miko Hamano
Ok, I have been running into quite a few people who simply do not understand there are certain unwritten rules when it comes to dealing with a dealer so here are a few helpful hints to keep you from getting your ass kicked.
First of all don’t try to negotiate the price unless you plan to buy more weight. If I have been charging you $280 per ounce why the hell would I all of a sudden go down to $260.. out of the kindness of my heart? I might go $530 if you buy two ounces but thats about it so find a friend and half it with them. Which brings me to the next hint. Don’t bring random dudes to come meet your dealer. I don’t give a damn how long you have known them or how cool they are. Showing up with uninvited guests is an easy way to get your name blacklisted. Next, don’t be afraid to inspect your shit. I love guys who just stick their bag in their pocket and go away because you better believe that the next bag they get will be full of shake with a few respectable buds on top. Hint number four is don’t be afraid to weigh your weed. Most reputable dealers will weigh your weed out in front of you but if they don’t, you should not be afraid to ask or even break out a scale of your own. We understand that it is a business and its not like your dealer will take it personally if you don’t fully trust them. The final hint is get your weed and go the fuck home. If we don’t hand out when we are not smoking weed why the hell would you think I want to hang with you now. Sure, I will smoke up all your weed with you but as soon as we are done I am kicking your ass out.
I really didnt end this one but, Whatever…~~
Written by Tizzy
Ok kiddies, so last night our president delivered a little lip service in an attempt to boost his abysmal approval rating. I should admit that I didn’t bother to watch it live because it came on during the Detroit Vs. Cleveland game but thanks to my DVR I was able to closely listen to every word. Even rewinding at time thinking, “Did that asshole just say what I think he said?” For those of you who missed it basically our fearless leader laid our a five point plan that will help make it seem like he is taking action while actually making us less safe. And here is why:
Point one Dubaya wants to fortify the border with 6000 additional National Guard troops. Yes the very same National Guard troops that are already stretched too far as it is. I guess because his National Guard experience was such a breeze he has decided to work these guys into the ground. At least with all the troops on our southern boarder it will be easy to move them to New Orleans after the next Hurricane.
Point two Dubaya wants to throw some money at it. We have already broken into our children’s piggy bank to pay for our addiction to oil but lets say fuck it and really run up some national debt so that we can have unmanned predator drones flying over the desert.
Point three Dubaya wants to establish a temporary worker program. This is much better than “Catch and Release”. I like to call it “Give um ID and release”. This plan is so stupid I don’t know where to begin. Lets just “pray” that all immigrant workers will be honest and not simply disappear once they are in our country.
Point four To appease the right wing conservatives in his party Dubaya promised no amnesty and he is correct. Allowing people who have been in this country illegally to just stay will only encourage more immigrants. Then in the next breath he admitted that there is no way in hell that we could deport everyone. I don’t have an answer for this one but after listening to the president it is obvious that he has no answer either.
Point five This was more of a philosophy than an actual plan but Dubaya wanted to remind everyone that we are a “melting pot”. I never really liked that analogy. If you think about a melting pot with a bunch of ingredients all mixed together you just come up with some gross stew that taste like shit. I prefer to think of America as a fresh garden salad with lots of distinct ingredients all mixed together with each one retaining its own unique flavor.
F.Y.I. None of this will protect us from European born French or English speaking terrorist who can easily blend into Canadian society and enter our country freely because apparently the only foreigners Dubaya wants to keep out come from our southern boarder. On a positive note maybe some of this will make a dent in the cheap, dirty, low-grade marijuana that comes form Mexico. ~~Buy American~~
Written by Tizzy